Thursday, January 6, 2011

A New Year, to hopefully bring joy and healing....

Joy and Healing are my new words for 2011. I want to have a year of Joy and Healing. I want to create, love and live. Find myself, and do the things that make me happy.

I have not been on much since last May. We have been trying to conceive for about 10 years. That is a long time. I had been going to a doctor that would say oh lets try this and let’s try this, but he never did any test or anything else.

Well it took me a very long time to come to the conclusion that I needed a new doctor, its hard enough going to one doctor as it is. You tell them every little thing that goes on with your body. When your period is how heavy etc. Most people don’t even tell their spouses about things like that. Well most people take having children for granted, that is not a luxury that I can afford. I switched doctors in the summer of 2009. This doctor is the best, she has done tests and given me information that I could actually do research on. I have learned a lot about my body and what I can expect when I do certain things (take certain medicine etc).

Well we conceived in June of 2010 and lost the baby in August of 2010, these last five months have been the hardest months that I have had to face. My youngest sister and her 1 year old son also lived with us until about October. There were days when I would ask God why she and not I, why did you choose to place this burden upon me. I would go over and over in my mind what did I do wrong, did I do something to cause the miscarriage, what wrong with me why can’t having a child like my sisters be something easy. I would also feel like ranting and raving and waving my hands in the air like a complete idiot, but that is not something that would have done any good. So I cried myself to sleep many, many nights. I still have problems don't get me wrong I still cry for the little one that did not have a chance to live, I still dream of what might have been and I still think of the child every day and I am not sure that I will ever stop or that I ever want to.

It has taken a very long time for me to come to the conclusion that it was not my fault at all, it was only after the miscarriage and the doctor wanted to do some tests to see what the inside of my uterus looked like did I find out that I had more polyps near the top of my uterus. I had surgery the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and then hosted 2 parties at my house that week as well as have my niece Marissa stayed with us. About 4 weeks after the surgery I had a post op appointment with my doctor; she said that they removed the polyp and it was not cancerous. “Not something that I was really worried about but good to know” and that it was probably the polyp that caused the miscarriage. I did have a polyp on my cervix removed just after I found out I was pregnant and the doctor believes that was a factor as well. Well now they polyp is gone and I was told we could start trying again. You don't know how long I had been wanting to her to say those words. I think the hardest thing after the miscarriage was the waiting. Waiting for a normal period to start, waiting for x-ray results, waiting for my surgery date. If felt like all I did for six months was wait. All the while it seemed that every women that I passed on the street was pregnant or had a small child.

Trying to conceive; What does that involve? Well I have been taking a pill for my insulin resistance as well as vitamins and I had to take a pill to start my period up. Now that it has started I can begin my next round of colmid. I am starting it tonight. I will then do ovulation tests and then the fun begins. Please keep me in your prayers. Hopefully this will bring a new year with joy and healing and (crossing my fingers) a child to call our own.

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