A New Beginning...

I am now calling a ban on all family drama, no more will I let it effect my life. Other people's drama is their business and not mine, I will not own other's problems. I will concern myself with my own problems and my hubbies. The last years have been a combination of other peoples problems as well as my struggle with infertility. I have pushed my problems to the side to be dealt with at another time because I have always put other's before myself, NO MORE!

Last night for the first time in a long time I felt like cooking, and what happened? I made two batches of spaghetti sauce, 2 meatloaf's and a pan of rice crispy treats. It felt good.... I woke up this morning a little more tired but as the day progressed I felt good...

I have decided that I love that feeling and want it to continue. So the plan is to write to my sister and respond to her letter and to then get on with my life. The letter is hanging heavily on my heart. If she writes back I will deal with that as it comes but I will live my life for me.

Stop the Ride I want to get off!

Well since last I posted we have finished boxing up the items from my in-law's house and have taken the items to Cousin Vinny's, we have contracted a electrician, roofer and someone to replace the carpet in two of the downstairs rooms plus the hallway. We have one light fixture to replace, and the garage and 1/2 of the addition roof to replace. Last night we ripped up the carpet and padding with the help of a friend. We have delivered most of the items that were left in the house to the people they go to. We still have the lifting recliner, a piano, and one entertainment center. I do have a few boxes of stuff to get out of the house but they are all things that Steve and his siblings need to go thru. I do need to pick up my sewing machine from the basement, but right now I am not even sure where I will put it, but it does need to get out of the house, so we can get it cleaned, appraised and put up on the market to sell.

On another note the water heater at our home took a dump. I am waiting for a call from the plumber so I can let them in the house to either fix it or give us a quote on replacing it. I am kind of hoping for a new one since whenever I have to drain it out of the bottom the water comes out all rusty. I think it is time for a new one.

We have also been having family problems, nope not with Steve's family and the house, it's with mine. Why couldn't I have been an only child? Of course if you ask an only child about that they want tons of siblings. Well after the last couple of weeks I could do without at least one of them. I do love my sisters but...there is always a but...I don't know how much more I can take. I am tired of cleaning up other people garbage and baggage. I feel like I was so close to getting my life back, just a fraction of an inch and now it has been all swept away. Back to cleaning up other peoples problems and taking care of them. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Feeling...Feeling...Feeling...

I am feeling....feeling.....feeling. I don't really know how to put it into words I feel tired, exasperated, hopeful, I feel to small for my body, I feel like my head is underwater, I feel like my life is on a downward spiral and I can't pull out. Some people say "oh you can do it if you just relax" it does not always happen. Most people don't understand what I am going thru, they think it's something you can take a pill for and everything will be all right. But it won't! I have tried and tried and I don't want to give up yet, but it might be time. It's not my choice it's my body's choice and I might just have to live with it. So we take a break, it's stress other's say. But is it? Have I been stressed out for 12 years? I don't think so, I feel stressed out now with the thought of stopping, I feel stressed out with the stuff we do for Steve's family. I feel like all I do is for others and nothing for me, my marriage and my family (as small as it is). I don't think that having a child is what I have to do, it's something that I have wanted to do. To make a difference in a child's life. I hope I make a difference in my nieces and nephew's lives, but you can never be too sure. Do I give up or do I trudge on? That is the questions.

Dr. Appointment

I am going in for a blood draw today to find out if I am pregnant. I am praying that I am, but I am also trying not to get my hopes up too high and the crash to earth could kill me. I have been analyzing every little twinge  twitch and nudge, and when I say every little thing I mean it. I want this to happen so bad, but I also remember what I felt like last time it did not happen I did not feel any better until Steve said, we would try one more time. Well this is it, but I don't want to get off the ride, I'm not ready yet. The only problem is I may not have a choice.

Long Time..

I know I was getting so good and writing once a week and look what happened. Well I did not get pregnant so after a good cry we decided to do another round of IUI. We are currently on day 10 and I go in for another ultra sound on Wednesday. All I can hope for is another great ultra sound with as many little folicals as I had last time. But hopefully we will have a little one by the end of this instead of a great disappointment. Keep me in your prayers.

Waiting...It's Killing Me!

This waiting is killing me, and the emotional mood swings are just plain nuts. During most of this cycle I have felt like this is where we are suppose to be and that I would be "ok" with anything that happened. I woke up this morning almost in a panic, I so want this to happen I cried and finally mellowed out. Now I just feel numb I have given my blood, sweat and tears for this to happen. "Literally" I have given more blood to this doctor than all of my other doctors combined. I even feel like I have given more than I have to the Red Cross (which is probably true because I have only been able to donate to the Red Cross once due to low iron levels) but still that's not the point. I keep looking everywhere for a sign that this will happen.


PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

Waiting...Waiting...Waiting...

After my ultrasound on Tuesday I had 3 mature eggs. So on Wednesday, Steve gave me my shot. Friday they did the insemination  Steve's numbers are great even with all of the stress we have been under with my Mother in Law passing away. Now we wait until Friday for my blood work. So now we wait, but I am not nervous I am anxiously awaiting my tests. I just can't wait. I do feel like everything is falling in place I feel like this is what God wants for us. I feel like he did not want us to have to take care of Joyce and a child, maybe he was waiting for her to join Vern to give us a child. I feel so good, so like this is where we are supposed to be.

2nd Ultra Sound!

Just got back from my 2^nd ultra sound, we will be taking our shot tonight and doing the IUI on Friday at 10:00 am. Keep us in your prayers.

I was at the library last night with my knitting sisters group and when I told them what we were doing today, they asked if it would be alright if we prayed about it. I was so moved that they wanted to do this for me. I have a very good feeling about this whole cycle, with everything starting with the date of dad’s death, the prayers with the knitting group, I feel so positive, I feel like I have dad up there working for me and my friends and family down here working for me as well, It will be a good cycle, and to think that it could all start on Steve's Birthday!

Thanks and have a great day!

Excited and Scared!

On Monday I went in for an ultra sound to see if we would be able to start our first cycle of IUI. Well my ovaries looked good they could see where the old cyst was but otherwise they look great. My lining was a little thick but they decided that we would be able to start our first cycle this month. So I am currently taking Letrozole which is like Clomid. Letrozole does not thin out your lining like Clomid does and you have less of a chance of multiples with Letrozole. We will then go in for a mid cycle ultrasound around January 30. Depending on what my follicles look like, will determine if we will administer the HCG shot or if we will have to wait. After we administer the HCG shot we will do the insemination some time in the next 36 hours. I will then have to take a progesterone suppository until I either get my period or we get a positive pregnancy test. The doctor did not say how long I would need to stay on the suppository, but from what I have read some people think it helps prevent miscarriage, but there are no studies that support this. I am so excited and scared! I am excited that we are finally starting the process that could help us increase our family, I am scared that this may be the last chance. So wish us luck and keep us in your prayers.

Gardens and Thanksgiving

So all the gardens have been put to bed for the winter. The only thing left to do is to dump the pots of potatoes, but I can not do it by myself. I wanted to do it this last weekend but I was having issues with my shoulder so that was off.

Thanksgiving
 Well I am just glad that I made it thru Thanksgiving. I served the 1st Thanksgiving at my house for my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece. It went as well as it could with my mother-in-law in my house. The outright lies that she was telling was just a little to much and the interruptions, I could have done with out.

2nd Thanksgiving was at my Mother's house and it was a mad house. Everyone one was assigned a dish to bring and I was the only one who actually made theirs at home and brought it to mom's house was me. Everyone else tried to make it at my mom's. Like I said a total Mad House and to top it all off my brother-in-law had a fit about something and my sister and he left without saying goodbye.

I am Thankful for my husband and my home, but I want to be thankful for so much more. It does not feel like Christmas is coming, after my brother-in-law said he did not want to exchange gifts from the adults because Christmas is for children. I don't exchange gifts because I want to get something I do it for the feeling I get, the look on that special person's face, I do it because I love to give.

Torn

I am torn, do I feel happy for my niece or do I continue to feel downtrodden and sad. Sometimes I feel like if I even try to be happy something is going to happen to push me back down, but I am normally a very happy person, so this up and down is driving me mad! I don't want to feel downtrodden and low but I hate, hate, hate this up and down feeling. I want to be happy, it is my natural state, Corin says that I am the sun and that I need to nurture and when other people are pregnant I feel this need the most. I want to stay in the sun and help not feel like I am down in the mud under a rock. I want to shine and be happy.

Steve and I had a really long talk last night, we did not talk about the IUI but we did talk about the baby and the miscarriage. He never really seamed like he wanted to talk about if after the first couple of days after we lost the baby. But, last night I told him I had seen Ally's post on facebook and he said he thought that was the case. He told me he has know about the pregnancy for about a month and he did not think Ally would announce it on facebook so soon. He has been struggling with a lot this last month, his mother, Ally's pregnancy, my surgery and how to tell me about Ally. I wish he would have just told me so it would not have been such a shock but I do understand how hard it can be to tell someone you love something and know that no matter how hard you try it is going to hurt that person. Steve also told me that when we were pregnant before that he was scared to death and panicky because he wanted to be able to provide for our child and give it whatever it needed and he was not sure that he would be able to do that. He said he was even thinking about getting a second job and when I told him that the doctor wanted me to go in for an ultrasound because she was concerned that it may be twins he went in to full panic mode. You never would have been able to tell, I could not even tell and I am normally very observant when it comes to Steve. I know I was in seventh heaven because I though that the time had finally come, maybe I was just too focused on myself and the pregnancy to notice. Well, next time I will be a little more observant. He said he was not sure if he was ready to be a parent, I told him, I have seen you with the nieces and nephews you love them and take great care of them, you would be a great parent. I also reminded him that when Ally was a baby he practically raised her because she was at his parents house so much and she turned out great.

I hope we decide to go thru with the IUI because if we don't it will be very hard on me to think that it is time to give up. I am a fighter and I hate to give up. I am the sun and need to shine.

Surgery

Ok, had surgery last week Tuesday and ended up staying home the rest of the week because I was so sore. I was just starting to feel optimistic and what happens my nieces gets pregnant. I am not feeling very optimistic that it will happen for me. I keep feeling that every time I start to feel like it could happen for us some just pushes me down and says it's not your turn yet.

Real Hard

Tomorrow is going to be hard, I just know it. Luckily I don't have knitting night at the library, too many people will be gone so we canceled it. I do have to work tomorrow, I know I should have taken the day off but I simply forgot how close the day was. I knew it was coming real soon but I kept thinking oh I have time and now look it's tomorrow. Some people might think, she's wants to take the day off for that! It's not that I want to its more like I need to. I need to be able to morn in my own way, I do have that Dr. appointment today and I am praying that it will be good news so I can stay positive. That is something that I really need right now. I do feel better about the whole thing, I don't cry about it as much, but there are days I have to use my little feel better routine way more than I want to.

My friend Corin sat down with me at the last Civil War event and said that I had been hovering around his tent. I did admit that I was, but at the time it took me awhile to admit that. We were talking about my sister who is currently with a loser who is in rehab and who stole from my mother and for me that is unforgivable. Corin told me that some time this year or it may have happened already my sister will be pregnant with loser boy's kid. Now let me tell you this was not what I wanted to hear. I told him, half hearted and all earnest, what would it cost for you to say that about me? (background info, Corin has predicted the conception of the last two of my sisters kids.) He asked me what I wished for. I told him I wanted a child. He then asked me what I would be willing to pay for a child. I was not really sure what he was referring to so he then told me to go and speak with Jill and ask her what he had done for her. (I won't go into that conversation since that is Jill's story and not mine to tell) But it was amazing is all I can say. I went back to Corin and we talked he asked about the problems I have had with my sisters pregnancy's. I told him of the black hole with no sound, that I felt in my heart. We worked out some of that problem with an exercise that helped me to change that black hole into a giggling baby laugh that looks like a pink rose. I rub my pointer finger and thumb together anytime I feel the need and think of the giggling baby laugh that looks like a pink rose, and I feel better. It may not help me get pregnant but it makes me laugh and feel better about everything. I don't feel so lost when I think about it. I feel like there may be chance that I could happen for us.

So, I know tomorrow will be hard, but I have my laughing pink rose to keep my spirits up.

Disapoinment!

Well, yesterday's Dr. appointment did not go as well as I would have liked. The blood draw for my hormone tests went well, but the ultra sound not so much. The Dr. found a cyst on my right ovary. So that means we can not do the Clomid test this month. The Dr. wants me to wait a month for the cyst to go away and then next month we will do another ultra sound to check out my ovaries, if there are no cysts we will draw more blood to redo the hormone tests and continue on with the Clomid Test and the sonogram with the saline injection. The hard part of all of this is the waiting, I am so impatient.

Regarding the Cyst, there is nothing that the Dr. can give me to make it go away, it has to go away on its own. The Cyst is considered a functioning cyst, meaning that it was probably an unreleased egg follicle that did not break down after my last cycle. So I wonder if this is what happens to me when I am not on Clomid?  Does my body create the egg and just not let it go, therefor no ovulation resulting in lack of pregnancy? I think I will have to ask the Dr. that when I call in for my next dose of prevera. What if that is all that is really wrong, my body not wanting to let go. Does this mean that my ovaries have a phobia, Atychiphobia. Great my ovaries need a shrink, they are afraid of failure. I hate to break it to you my little ovary, but in not letting go of that little egg you are failing, so woman up and let go already. I will be checking up on you again next month so get with the program!

Dr. Appointment

Well after pulling myself up by my nonexistent boot straps I mustered up the courage to call and make an appointment for a Reproductive Endocrinologist to help us get pregnant. I had been dragging my feet on this because, what if what they suggest is something out of our price range and this will be the end. I was afraid to risk the end of my dream. I was afraid to get off of the ride. But, I read this article and it helped a lot. http://www.rootsofshe.com/risk-nothing-risk-it-all/ . Sarah being pregnant "again" helped me as well. I cried myself to sleep a few nights and then made the appointment. Steve and I will be seeing the Doctor on Wednesday. Keep us in your prayers because this is going to be the last ditch effort and the last thing that we will be trying. FINGERS CROSSED THAT THIS WORKS!!!!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, well I know I am about almost two months off on this. But since my Father died in mid January I really have not had a lot of time for myself. So I have decided that since it is Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent that this will be the beginning of a new year. A chance for renewal. Lent is a time to really look at your life and better it. It is a time of self evaluation. So I am going to start with a new year’s Lenten renewal.

 

• Complete one hobby project a week! It could be knitting, sewing, making cards; working on my scrap books, working in the garden, my goal is to do more things that make me happy
   
• Get organized. Which includes getting my life back in to some semblance of order, since we miscarried I have felt like my life has just been blown to bits, there are days that it is just a struggle to get up and go to work. My father dying in January did not help that feeling either, but I need to get on with life and live, not just sit around like a lump

• Lose 25lbs this year. I know it is not all that I need to lose but it’s what I feel comfortable with. I don’t want to make an unattainable goal. I think it is better to make little goals and work toward them I can always up it later.

 

 

Yes that is it 3 goals, yes only 3. It’s a start to help me feel a little better about myself and the world around me.

 

• Write on this blog at least 4 times a month, that’s about once a week. I think I can do that.

 

Yes I know I said only 3 but I thought that since I was writing this on this blog that at least one of the goals should have something to do with it.

 

 

 

Bye for now!!!

 

It must be my lucky month!

I was sitting at my desk yesterday and I get this craving for a Heath candy bar, well what do you think was the flavor of the day at Kops “Heath Bar”. I was answering my e-mail’s and what do you think happened I won a Yum Yum Dish on the blog Rural Mama's Sandbox. It must be my lucky month.

Ovulation

I am just not real sure about everything right now. I just keep thinking that I missed my ovulation. I just don't feel like this is going to be the month. I am trying to stay positive but it is very hard. I just want to try and have a child I feel like it's never going to happen. What should I do I feel so unsure about everything. I have feelings of loss lately I went to my godchild's first birthday yesterday, I feel like I should be happy but I'm not I feel like crying I feel like the whole world is rushing by. I still feel like I should be pregnant I feel like this should be the happiest time of my life but all I can think about is the little one that is gone.

Weekend Away

I just recently spent a weekend with my mother's family. We had a great time, doing crafts, talking and snowmobiling. I just wish we had more time. More time for loving, laughing and creating. All I did was help my niece with her sewing project. I brought my bonnet to work on but instead of me working on it my mom did. It is almost done. I also ovulated this weekend I am hoping that we are pregnant. All I can do is pray and hope, hope and pray. I feel so impatient all I have wanted is a child and I feel like all I can ever do is fail. I don't feel like a women. I feel like a freak who can't do something as normal as have a child.

Don't every get old....

Yesterday morning I was grumbling about my husband. He did not put his bowling shirt with his bag, did not make sure all balls were with bag and etc. Kept on grumbling and grumbling as I put his bag in the car. Continued with the grumbles about being forgetful, as I took his bag into my office. Well on my way out of the office last night my loving husband calls and says he we will see me when I get home. I said what about bowling, he says, I told you I was not bowling tonight, because I have a meeting. Don't ever get old, instead of him forgetting I forgot. What a hoot.