It must be my lucky month!

I was sitting at my desk yesterday and I get this craving for a Heath candy bar, well what do you think was the flavor of the day at Kops “Heath Bar”. I was answering my e-mail’s and what do you think happened I won a Yum Yum Dish on the blog Rural Mama's Sandbox. It must be my lucky month.

While the Cats are Away the Mice Will Play!!!

DH has been in Reno since Thursday, and do you think I did anything besides sew, not  really. I finished the second half the the bags, just one more step to go on them, started a bonnet and apron. I did get some house work done. I also went out to dinner with friends on Thursday and Friday. I have not had to cook for myself this whole time. When I was not out with friends, I went to my sisters for dinner or I ate cereal. No need to make a mess. I just love not having to cook for myself, but I do miss DH. I can't wait to see him tonight. Shiann really misses DH, she has been mopey all weekend. She will probably not leave him alone when he gets home.

Are Your Beds In Order?

Well I’m on day 3 of taking clomid, was not feeling so well while taking it, but feeling much better now. I think it was because I did not eat a lot this morning and all the pills I take were not agreeing with my stomach. In case you didn't know AF came, at least the dr wants me to try another round of clomid. I was so happy when they told me that last weekend.

I know I have not been on very much, but since we have been having a little warmer weather here I have been trying to get my beds into order. We had some work done in the basement in November, which required trenches to be dug up around the house, so I have no idea what my beds are going to look like this year. I had planted a few peony bushes last year and I am hoping that they come up this year, we will see. The daffodils are coming up under the apple trees just like I wanted them too; I can’t wait until they bloom. I did get my seeds in the mail today. The poppies that I ordered are on back order and I don't know when I will get them. I very soon. They are pink and white. Shiann just loves the warmer weather. She is starting to shed a lot more, I feel like I am continually sweeping and vacuuming, I think I will take her to the groomer on Saturday, we will see. Hope everyone is having a great day and don't forget to turn in your taxes.

Waiting....

Not much going on here, just playing the waiting game, 2WW, waiting for spring, waiting for lunch, waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like that fish from finding Nemo. Just keep waiting. Just keep waiting. Just keep waiting, waiting, waiting. What do we do? We wait, wait, wait. I know it was swim, but I am playing the waiting game so it's wait.

I started sewing a skirt last night out of an old pair of pants. I just need to add the hem then I'm done.

Could eating curry while standing on your head and singing show tunes get you pregnant?

I feel like a need a break from this TTC journey, but I am afraid to stop. I keep thinking that if I don’t get pregnant soon the polyps will grow back and I will have gone thru the surgeries the MC and everything else for nothing.

I’m afraid if I take a break that I will never get pregnant. I am also afraid to move forward. I keep thinking that if I don’t pregnant then I can keep trying and I don’t have to worry because I’m not pregnant and that means I can’t be hurt, because I have nothing to lose. I’m afraid to move forward because I don’t know if I can handle the thought of another MC. I’m afraid to move forward because what if this does not work and the next step IUI or IVF. I can’t afford either of those options and my insurance does not cover it.

How can I get over my fears? How can I move forward? Do I want to?

I feel a little better. Sometimes it helps to voice your fears. Does voicing your fears make them come true any more than not saying a thing? I think not. God does what God does.

I recently read a blog by a woman who was saying she was taking a break but she felt that this was going to be the month because the equinox is this weekend and the moon will be the closest it’s been to the earth in I don’t know how long. I’m not sure if the moon will affect my fertility, but I am not going to chance it.

All I can do is pray, pray and pray for a child. I’m obsessed with having a child. I have become an expert on cervical mucus. I am obsessed with taking my temperature. Last and certainly not least I am addicted to fertility drugs, but what woman who is infertile is not.

We are a unique bunch of women. We check cervical mucus, we temp, and we do aerobatic’s after sex. If you told us eating curry while standing on our head and singing show tunes would get us pregnant, their would be millions of women around the world doing just that. If that was the case I would do it every day for the rest of my little eggie’s lives. So pray that the Moon and curry does its job this month. I will be singing show tunes all week and I will keep praying. he he he

Fondu

I had a great night out last night with a couple of friends. We went to the Melting Pot in Brookfield. It was a girls night out complete with appetizers, salad and dessert. As well as getting to pick out a new/used purse. I really needed a night out with the girls but did not realize it until after we were done. TTC takes a lot out of a girl.

Just when you thought Spring was here....

Just when you thought Spring was here what happens we get 3 inches of that nasty "White Stuff". I know I said one of my words was JOY but how can we have that when we have all of this snow. I has just ogling my spring plant catalog. I think the same thing happened last year. Next year I should pay someone to steal all of my catalogs until after April, then maybe we would not get any of that "white stuff".

It's been a few hard days this month but it gets better every day. The first couple of days were filled with me crying off and on, stupid things would set me off, when Steve would ask what was wrong all I could come up with was that is March. Hopefully by the time this month is over I will be pregnant.

But every day I feel better and better. I got two new Civil War Dresses, Auntie Barb gave me two of hers that she can't wear anymore. One is a nice light cotton day dress which is purple with white stripes. The other one is yellow with flowers and green ribbon trim. The only thing I have to do is open up the arm holes on the purple dress. Other than finishing my under clothes I am good. I should also have my bonnet done after two years its almost done.

I was going to make a dress, but then I thought what if I am pregnant and can't fit into it. So that is when Auntie Barb said I could have these two dresses. I did pick out some fabric and I think we are going to make a sack or maybe a dressing gown. O' I also need to get a hoop.

Well goodnight all.

Ovulation

I am just not real sure about everything right now. I just keep thinking that I missed my ovulation. I just don't feel like this is going to be the month. I am trying to stay positive but it is very hard. I just want to try and have a child I feel like it's never going to happen. What should I do I feel so unsure about everything. I have feelings of loss lately I went to my godchild's first birthday yesterday, I feel like I should be happy but I'm not I feel like crying I feel like the whole world is rushing by. I still feel like I should be pregnant I feel like this should be the happiest time of my life but all I can think about is the little one that is gone.

Weekend Away

I just recently spent a weekend with my mother's family. We had a great time, doing crafts, talking and snowmobiling. I just wish we had more time. More time for loving, laughing and creating. All I did was help my niece with her sewing project. I brought my bonnet to work on but instead of me working on it my mom did. It is almost done. I also ovulated this weekend I am hoping that we are pregnant. All I can do is pray and hope, hope and pray. I feel so impatient all I have wanted is a child and I feel like all I can ever do is fail. I don't feel like a women. I feel like a freak who can't do something as normal as have a child.

Don't every get old....

Yesterday morning I was grumbling about my husband. He did not put his bowling shirt with his bag, did not make sure all balls were with bag and etc. Kept on grumbling and grumbling as I put his bag in the car. Continued with the grumbles about being forgetful, as I took his bag into my office. Well on my way out of the office last night my loving husband calls and says he we will see me when I get home. I said what about bowling, he says, I told you I was not bowling tonight, because I have a meeting. Don't ever get old, instead of him forgetting I forgot. What a hoot.

Bags, Bags, Bags.

I feel as I have been working nonstop in my studio (aka the sewing room but I think I will use the word studio I think it has a nice ring to it.) We have completed many bags and have more cut out. We are planning on selling them at Fish Day in Port Washington. Only six months to go…...

My Bracelet

In August after the miscarriage, two of my friends gave me a beautiful Artemis Fertility gemstone bracelet from Remembering Our Babies. I wore it every day until it broke. I have been wanting to get it fixed and have finally found the business card that came with it. I sent the owner a email and hope to hear from her soon. I really miss wearing it, I feel it was a piece of my little one that I could carry around with me. I really hope that I get good news from the company. If I can't get if fixed I think I am going to try and restring the beads that I have left. Maybe I can get my little sister to do it.

A New Year, to hopefully bring joy and healing....

Joy and Healing are my new words for 2011. I want to have a year of Joy and Healing. I want to create, love and live. Find myself, and do the things that make me happy.

I have not been on much since last May. We have been trying to conceive for about 10 years. That is a long time. I had been going to a doctor that would say oh lets try this and let’s try this, but he never did any test or anything else.

Well it took me a very long time to come to the conclusion that I needed a new doctor, its hard enough going to one doctor as it is. You tell them every little thing that goes on with your body. When your period is how heavy etc. Most people don’t even tell their spouses about things like that. Well most people take having children for granted, that is not a luxury that I can afford. I switched doctors in the summer of 2009. This doctor is the best, she has done tests and given me information that I could actually do research on. I have learned a lot about my body and what I can expect when I do certain things (take certain medicine etc).

Well we conceived in June of 2010 and lost the baby in August of 2010, these last five months have been the hardest months that I have had to face. My youngest sister and her 1 year old son also lived with us until about October. There were days when I would ask God why she and not I, why did you choose to place this burden upon me. I would go over and over in my mind what did I do wrong, did I do something to cause the miscarriage, what wrong with me why can’t having a child like my sisters be something easy. I would also feel like ranting and raving and waving my hands in the air like a complete idiot, but that is not something that would have done any good. So I cried myself to sleep many, many nights. I still have problems don't get me wrong I still cry for the little one that did not have a chance to live, I still dream of what might have been and I still think of the child every day and I am not sure that I will ever stop or that I ever want to.

It has taken a very long time for me to come to the conclusion that it was not my fault at all, it was only after the miscarriage and the doctor wanted to do some tests to see what the inside of my uterus looked like did I find out that I had more polyps near the top of my uterus. I had surgery the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and then hosted 2 parties at my house that week as well as have my niece Marissa stayed with us. About 4 weeks after the surgery I had a post op appointment with my doctor; she said that they removed the polyp and it was not cancerous. “Not something that I was really worried about but good to know” and that it was probably the polyp that caused the miscarriage. I did have a polyp on my cervix removed just after I found out I was pregnant and the doctor believes that was a factor as well. Well now they polyp is gone and I was told we could start trying again. You don't know how long I had been wanting to her to say those words. I think the hardest thing after the miscarriage was the waiting. Waiting for a normal period to start, waiting for x-ray results, waiting for my surgery date. If felt like all I did for six months was wait. All the while it seemed that every women that I passed on the street was pregnant or had a small child.

Trying to conceive; What does that involve? Well I have been taking a pill for my insulin resistance as well as vitamins and I had to take a pill to start my period up. Now that it has started I can begin my next round of colmid. I am starting it tonight. I will then do ovulation tests and then the fun begins. Please keep me in your prayers. Hopefully this will bring a new year with joy and healing and (crossing my fingers) a child to call our own.