Feeling...Feeling...Feeling...

I am feeling....feeling.....feeling. I don't really know how to put it into words I feel tired, exasperated, hopeful, I feel to small for my body, I feel like my head is underwater, I feel like my life is on a downward spiral and I can't pull out. Some people say "oh you can do it if you just relax" it does not always happen. Most people don't understand what I am going thru, they think it's something you can take a pill for and everything will be all right. But it won't! I have tried and tried and I don't want to give up yet, but it might be time. It's not my choice it's my body's choice and I might just have to live with it. So we take a break, it's stress other's say. But is it? Have I been stressed out for 12 years? I don't think so, I feel stressed out now with the thought of stopping, I feel stressed out with the stuff we do for Steve's family. I feel like all I do is for others and nothing for me, my marriage and my family (as small as it is). I don't think that having a child is what I have to do, it's something that I have wanted to do. To make a difference in a child's life. I hope I make a difference in my nieces and nephew's lives, but you can never be too sure. Do I give up or do I trudge on? That is the questions.

Dr. Appointment

I am going in for a blood draw today to find out if I am pregnant. I am praying that I am, but I am also trying not to get my hopes up too high and the crash to earth could kill me. I have been analyzing every little twinge  twitch and nudge, and when I say every little thing I mean it. I want this to happen so bad, but I also remember what I felt like last time it did not happen I did not feel any better until Steve said, we would try one more time. Well this is it, but I don't want to get off the ride, I'm not ready yet. The only problem is I may not have a choice.

Long Time..

I know I was getting so good and writing once a week and look what happened. Well I did not get pregnant so after a good cry we decided to do another round of IUI. We are currently on day 10 and I go in for another ultra sound on Wednesday. All I can hope for is another great ultra sound with as many little folicals as I had last time. But hopefully we will have a little one by the end of this instead of a great disappointment. Keep me in your prayers.

Waiting...It's Killing Me!

This waiting is killing me, and the emotional mood swings are just plain nuts. During most of this cycle I have felt like this is where we are suppose to be and that I would be "ok" with anything that happened. I woke up this morning almost in a panic, I so want this to happen I cried and finally mellowed out. Now I just feel numb I have given my blood, sweat and tears for this to happen. "Literally" I have given more blood to this doctor than all of my other doctors combined. I even feel like I have given more than I have to the Red Cross (which is probably true because I have only been able to donate to the Red Cross once due to low iron levels) but still that's not the point. I keep looking everywhere for a sign that this will happen.


PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

Waiting...Waiting...Waiting...

After my ultrasound on Tuesday I had 3 mature eggs. So on Wednesday, Steve gave me my shot. Friday they did the insemination  Steve's numbers are great even with all of the stress we have been under with my Mother in Law passing away. Now we wait until Friday for my blood work. So now we wait, but I am not nervous I am anxiously awaiting my tests. I just can't wait. I do feel like everything is falling in place I feel like this is what God wants for us. I feel like he did not want us to have to take care of Joyce and a child, maybe he was waiting for her to join Vern to give us a child. I feel so good, so like this is where we are supposed to be.

2nd Ultra Sound!

Just got back from my 2^nd ultra sound, we will be taking our shot tonight and doing the IUI on Friday at 10:00 am. Keep us in your prayers.

I was at the library last night with my knitting sisters group and when I told them what we were doing today, they asked if it would be alright if we prayed about it. I was so moved that they wanted to do this for me. I have a very good feeling about this whole cycle, with everything starting with the date of dad’s death, the prayers with the knitting group, I feel so positive, I feel like I have dad up there working for me and my friends and family down here working for me as well, It will be a good cycle, and to think that it could all start on Steve's Birthday!

Thanks and have a great day!

Package

I just recieved my box of drugs today for our IUI. I am so excited I just can't wait to start. I hope that everything goes and it should.

Excited and Scared!

On Monday I went in for an ultra sound to see if we would be able to start our first cycle of IUI. Well my ovaries looked good they could see where the old cyst was but otherwise they look great. My lining was a little thick but they decided that we would be able to start our first cycle this month. So I am currently taking Letrozole which is like Clomid. Letrozole does not thin out your lining like Clomid does and you have less of a chance of multiples with Letrozole. We will then go in for a mid cycle ultrasound around January 30. Depending on what my follicles look like, will determine if we will administer the HCG shot or if we will have to wait. After we administer the HCG shot we will do the insemination some time in the next 36 hours. I will then have to take a progesterone suppository until I either get my period or we get a positive pregnancy test. The doctor did not say how long I would need to stay on the suppository, but from what I have read some people think it helps prevent miscarriage, but there are no studies that support this. I am so excited and scared! I am excited that we are finally starting the process that could help us increase our family, I am scared that this may be the last chance. So wish us luck and keep us in your prayers.

We Wish You A Merry Cyst-mas!

Well I had a Doctor's appoint Monday so we could get cleared to start IUI, and as to be expected we have to wait another month to start. Now instead of a cyst on my right ovary it is on my left. Well the Doctor has put me on birth control to get rid of the cyst and to prevent any more from starting. Well it's day 11 and another 17 days to wait. We will see what happens.

Torn

I am torn, do I feel happy for my niece or do I continue to feel downtrodden and sad. Sometimes I feel like if I even try to be happy something is going to happen to push me back down, but I am normally a very happy person, so this up and down is driving me mad! I don't want to feel downtrodden and low but I hate, hate, hate this up and down feeling. I want to be happy, it is my natural state, Corin says that I am the sun and that I need to nurture and when other people are pregnant I feel this need the most. I want to stay in the sun and help not feel like I am down in the mud under a rock. I want to shine and be happy.

Steve and I had a really long talk last night, we did not talk about the IUI but we did talk about the baby and the miscarriage. He never really seamed like he wanted to talk about if after the first couple of days after we lost the baby. But, last night I told him I had seen Ally's post on facebook and he said he thought that was the case. He told me he has know about the pregnancy for about a month and he did not think Ally would announce it on facebook so soon. He has been struggling with a lot this last month, his mother, Ally's pregnancy, my surgery and how to tell me about Ally. I wish he would have just told me so it would not have been such a shock but I do understand how hard it can be to tell someone you love something and know that no matter how hard you try it is going to hurt that person. Steve also told me that when we were pregnant before that he was scared to death and panicky because he wanted to be able to provide for our child and give it whatever it needed and he was not sure that he would be able to do that. He said he was even thinking about getting a second job and when I told him that the doctor wanted me to go in for an ultrasound because she was concerned that it may be twins he went in to full panic mode. You never would have been able to tell, I could not even tell and I am normally very observant when it comes to Steve. I know I was in seventh heaven because I though that the time had finally come, maybe I was just too focused on myself and the pregnancy to notice. Well, next time I will be a little more observant. He said he was not sure if he was ready to be a parent, I told him, I have seen you with the nieces and nephews you love them and take great care of them, you would be a great parent. I also reminded him that when Ally was a baby he practically raised her because she was at his parents house so much and she turned out great.

I hope we decide to go thru with the IUI because if we don't it will be very hard on me to think that it is time to give up. I am a fighter and I hate to give up. I am the sun and need to shine.

Real Hard

Tomorrow is going to be hard, I just know it. Luckily I don't have knitting night at the library, too many people will be gone so we canceled it. I do have to work tomorrow, I know I should have taken the day off but I simply forgot how close the day was. I knew it was coming real soon but I kept thinking oh I have time and now look it's tomorrow. Some people might think, she's wants to take the day off for that! It's not that I want to its more like I need to. I need to be able to morn in my own way, I do have that Dr. appointment today and I am praying that it will be good news so I can stay positive. That is something that I really need right now. I do feel better about the whole thing, I don't cry about it as much, but there are days I have to use my little feel better routine way more than I want to.

My friend Corin sat down with me at the last Civil War event and said that I had been hovering around his tent. I did admit that I was, but at the time it took me awhile to admit that. We were talking about my sister who is currently with a loser who is in rehab and who stole from my mother and for me that is unforgivable. Corin told me that some time this year or it may have happened already my sister will be pregnant with loser boy's kid. Now let me tell you this was not what I wanted to hear. I told him, half hearted and all earnest, what would it cost for you to say that about me? (background info, Corin has predicted the conception of the last two of my sisters kids.) He asked me what I wished for. I told him I wanted a child. He then asked me what I would be willing to pay for a child. I was not really sure what he was referring to so he then told me to go and speak with Jill and ask her what he had done for her. (I won't go into that conversation since that is Jill's story and not mine to tell) But it was amazing is all I can say. I went back to Corin and we talked he asked about the problems I have had with my sisters pregnancy's. I told him of the black hole with no sound, that I felt in my heart. We worked out some of that problem with an exercise that helped me to change that black hole into a giggling baby laugh that looks like a pink rose. I rub my pointer finger and thumb together anytime I feel the need and think of the giggling baby laugh that looks like a pink rose, and I feel better. It may not help me get pregnant but it makes me laugh and feel better about everything. I don't feel so lost when I think about it. I feel like there may be chance that I could happen for us.

So, I know tomorrow will be hard, but I have my laughing pink rose to keep my spirits up.

Disapoinment!

Well, yesterday's Dr. appointment did not go as well as I would have liked. The blood draw for my hormone tests went well, but the ultra sound not so much. The Dr. found a cyst on my right ovary. So that means we can not do the Clomid test this month. The Dr. wants me to wait a month for the cyst to go away and then next month we will do another ultra sound to check out my ovaries, if there are no cysts we will draw more blood to redo the hormone tests and continue on with the Clomid Test and the sonogram with the saline injection. The hard part of all of this is the waiting, I am so impatient.

Regarding the Cyst, there is nothing that the Dr. can give me to make it go away, it has to go away on its own. The Cyst is considered a functioning cyst, meaning that it was probably an unreleased egg follicle that did not break down after my last cycle. So I wonder if this is what happens to me when I am not on Clomid?  Does my body create the egg and just not let it go, therefor no ovulation resulting in lack of pregnancy? I think I will have to ask the Dr. that when I call in for my next dose of prevera. What if that is all that is really wrong, my body not wanting to let go. Does this mean that my ovaries have a phobia, Atychiphobia. Great my ovaries need a shrink, they are afraid of failure. I hate to break it to you my little ovary, but in not letting go of that little egg you are failing, so woman up and let go already. I will be checking up on you again next month so get with the program!

I know ANOTHER DR. APPOINTMENT!

The Dr. Appointment went well and now I have two more scheduled. One is tomorrow and the next one is next Friday. The first one will be hormone tests and an base line ultra sound. The second one will be another ultra sound and a sonograph where they fill my uterus with saline. I know TMI but it has to be done and if all goes well and there are no polyps I will start the clomid challenge next week. Wish me luck as I wait cautiously optimistic.

Waiting....

Not much going on here, just playing the waiting game, 2WW, waiting for spring, waiting for lunch, waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like that fish from finding Nemo. Just keep waiting. Just keep waiting. Just keep waiting, waiting, waiting. What do we do? We wait, wait, wait. I know it was swim, but I am playing the waiting game so it's wait.

I started sewing a skirt last night out of an old pair of pants. I just need to add the hem then I'm done.

Could eating curry while standing on your head and singing show tunes get you pregnant?

I feel like a need a break from this TTC journey, but I am afraid to stop. I keep thinking that if I don’t get pregnant soon the polyps will grow back and I will have gone thru the surgeries the MC and everything else for nothing.

I’m afraid if I take a break that I will never get pregnant. I am also afraid to move forward. I keep thinking that if I don’t pregnant then I can keep trying and I don’t have to worry because I’m not pregnant and that means I can’t be hurt, because I have nothing to lose. I’m afraid to move forward because I don’t know if I can handle the thought of another MC. I’m afraid to move forward because what if this does not work and the next step IUI or IVF. I can’t afford either of those options and my insurance does not cover it.

How can I get over my fears? How can I move forward? Do I want to?

I feel a little better. Sometimes it helps to voice your fears. Does voicing your fears make them come true any more than not saying a thing? I think not. God does what God does.

I recently read a blog by a woman who was saying she was taking a break but she felt that this was going to be the month because the equinox is this weekend and the moon will be the closest it’s been to the earth in I don’t know how long. I’m not sure if the moon will affect my fertility, but I am not going to chance it.

All I can do is pray, pray and pray for a child. I’m obsessed with having a child. I have become an expert on cervical mucus. I am obsessed with taking my temperature. Last and certainly not least I am addicted to fertility drugs, but what woman who is infertile is not.

We are a unique bunch of women. We check cervical mucus, we temp, and we do aerobatic’s after sex. If you told us eating curry while standing on our head and singing show tunes would get us pregnant, their would be millions of women around the world doing just that. If that was the case I would do it every day for the rest of my little eggie’s lives. So pray that the Moon and curry does its job this month. I will be singing show tunes all week and I will keep praying. he he he