Torn

I am torn, do I feel happy for my niece or do I continue to feel downtrodden and sad. Sometimes I feel like if I even try to be happy something is going to happen to push me back down, but I am normally a very happy person, so this up and down is driving me mad! I don't want to feel downtrodden and low but I hate, hate, hate this up and down feeling. I want to be happy, it is my natural state, Corin says that I am the sun and that I need to nurture and when other people are pregnant I feel this need the most. I want to stay in the sun and help not feel like I am down in the mud under a rock. I want to shine and be happy.

Steve and I had a really long talk last night, we did not talk about the IUI but we did talk about the baby and the miscarriage. He never really seamed like he wanted to talk about if after the first couple of days after we lost the baby. But, last night I told him I had seen Ally's post on facebook and he said he thought that was the case. He told me he has know about the pregnancy for about a month and he did not think Ally would announce it on facebook so soon. He has been struggling with a lot this last month, his mother, Ally's pregnancy, my surgery and how to tell me about Ally. I wish he would have just told me so it would not have been such a shock but I do understand how hard it can be to tell someone you love something and know that no matter how hard you try it is going to hurt that person. Steve also told me that when we were pregnant before that he was scared to death and panicky because he wanted to be able to provide for our child and give it whatever it needed and he was not sure that he would be able to do that. He said he was even thinking about getting a second job and when I told him that the doctor wanted me to go in for an ultrasound because she was concerned that it may be twins he went in to full panic mode. You never would have been able to tell, I could not even tell and I am normally very observant when it comes to Steve. I know I was in seventh heaven because I though that the time had finally come, maybe I was just too focused on myself and the pregnancy to notice. Well, next time I will be a little more observant. He said he was not sure if he was ready to be a parent, I told him, I have seen you with the nieces and nephews you love them and take great care of them, you would be a great parent. I also reminded him that when Ally was a baby he practically raised her because she was at his parents house so much and she turned out great.

I hope we decide to go thru with the IUI because if we don't it will be very hard on me to think that it is time to give up. I am a fighter and I hate to give up. I am the sun and need to shine.

Surgery

Ok, had surgery last week Tuesday and ended up staying home the rest of the week because I was so sore. I was just starting to feel optimistic and what happens my nieces gets pregnant. I am not feeling very optimistic that it will happen for me. I keep feeling that every time I start to feel like it could happen for us some just pushes me down and says it's not your turn yet.