Ok, let's start all over.

I have been super busy this last few months. We went on a great vacation to the dells in October for my birthday.

Did some great work on the house, painted the porches, painted the beam in the living room, and added a few new windows.

I am so happy with the progress on the house. We also painted the garage. Now as you can see we still have a few more window's left to do. Thirty One at my last count. We did seven this last time. We also want to put new screen doors on the house. I still would like to remodel the kitchen and do a few other projects. I have also been busy with Christmas projects. I am trying to make as many as I can for Christmas. I have made almost one for each person on my list. I won't go into any details here, but I will post pictures of everyone enjoying there gifts.

You can't see the forest for the trees...

Well, the elm in the back yard is dying.

 The Picture on the left was taken in the beginning of July, the picture on the right was taken on August 19. I am sad that such a huge tree is dying but, happy because I now will not have to move my garden next year like I was planning. So Good bye grand old elm, Hello yummy vegetables...

A New Beginning...

I am now calling a ban on all family drama, no more will I let it effect my life. Other people's drama is their business and not mine, I will not own other's problems. I will concern myself with my own problems and my hubbies. The last years have been a combination of other peoples problems as well as my struggle with infertility. I have pushed my problems to the side to be dealt with at another time because I have always put other's before myself, NO MORE!

Last night for the first time in a long time I felt like cooking, and what happened? I made two batches of spaghetti sauce, 2 meatloaf's and a pan of rice crispy treats. It felt good.... I woke up this morning a little more tired but as the day progressed I felt good...

I have decided that I love that feeling and want it to continue. So the plan is to write to my sister and respond to her letter and to then get on with my life. The letter is hanging heavily on my heart. If she writes back I will deal with that as it comes but I will live my life for me.

Well All's Ready!

We have finished cleaning up my Mother-in-law's house and have it all ready to up for sale. We do need to trim some bushes in front of the house. We will do that this weekend. We still need to get my sewing machine out of the basement but that will have to wait until Steve can get some help with it. Still don't know where I will put it, but I will find room.

I almost have my life back, almost, there is always a "but" and "almost". I am working on doing things for myself and my husband but I am finding it hard not to think of all of the problems in my family. I will figure it out I always do.

Free positive thought of the day... complain less, breathe more....

Stop the Ride I want to get off!

Well since last I posted we have finished boxing up the items from my in-law's house and have taken the items to Cousin Vinny's, we have contracted a electrician, roofer and someone to replace the carpet in two of the downstairs rooms plus the hallway. We have one light fixture to replace, and the garage and 1/2 of the addition roof to replace. Last night we ripped up the carpet and padding with the help of a friend. We have delivered most of the items that were left in the house to the people they go to. We still have the lifting recliner, a piano, and one entertainment center. I do have a few boxes of stuff to get out of the house but they are all things that Steve and his siblings need to go thru. I do need to pick up my sewing machine from the basement, but right now I am not even sure where I will put it, but it does need to get out of the house, so we can get it cleaned, appraised and put up on the market to sell.

On another note the water heater at our home took a dump. I am waiting for a call from the plumber so I can let them in the house to either fix it or give us a quote on replacing it. I am kind of hoping for a new one since whenever I have to drain it out of the bottom the water comes out all rusty. I think it is time for a new one.

We have also been having family problems, nope not with Steve's family and the house, it's with mine. Why couldn't I have been an only child? Of course if you ask an only child about that they want tons of siblings. Well after the last couple of weeks I could do without at least one of them. I do love my sisters but...there is always a but...I don't know how much more I can take. I am tired of cleaning up other people garbage and baggage. I feel like I was so close to getting my life back, just a fraction of an inch and now it has been all swept away. Back to cleaning up other peoples problems and taking care of them. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Incredibly Busy!

We have just finished the first stage in getting thru my mother & father in law's estate. We had the estate sale this last weekend and it was a madhouse on Friday. They were like vultures and the things that I sold blew my mind. I sold boxes of old nails, glass jars and plates, old tables that were rusted and had not seen the light of day in years, old shelving units that had duct tape holding them together the list goes on and on. Some of the things had been in the basement since the dawn of time and had little prehistoric bugs in them. Sold it and did not charge extra for the bugs, dirt and cobwebs, but maybe I should have.

Well the next step is to box up the remaining items and send off to Cousin Vinny's. There are a few things we are still trying to sell on Craig's List like the piano, couch, and a lifting recliner. I was also going to try and sell the kitchen aid and the more I think about it the more I think we need to have it for the holiday's when we have people over so we can bake more. I think I deserve to have it after all the work that I put into the sale.

After that we will be putting their house on the market hopefully we will be able to sell it real quick then it's time to start my life. Yes, I do mean start I have been thinking about this we really have not had a life we have been taking care of my in-law's our whole marriage. Well now it is time to start living!!!

Spring

I can seen the first sign's of spring just outside my window. The daffodils have been sprouting for the last couple of week's. No buds yet but we will get there. But the rain, we have had more rain than sun in the last couple of week's I feel like a duck...

Feeling...Feeling...Feeling...

I am feeling....feeling.....feeling. I don't really know how to put it into words I feel tired, exasperated, hopeful, I feel to small for my body, I feel like my head is underwater, I feel like my life is on a downward spiral and I can't pull out. Some people say "oh you can do it if you just relax" it does not always happen. Most people don't understand what I am going thru, they think it's something you can take a pill for and everything will be all right. But it won't! I have tried and tried and I don't want to give up yet, but it might be time. It's not my choice it's my body's choice and I might just have to live with it. So we take a break, it's stress other's say. But is it? Have I been stressed out for 12 years? I don't think so, I feel stressed out now with the thought of stopping, I feel stressed out with the stuff we do for Steve's family. I feel like all I do is for others and nothing for me, my marriage and my family (as small as it is). I don't think that having a child is what I have to do, it's something that I have wanted to do. To make a difference in a child's life. I hope I make a difference in my nieces and nephew's lives, but you can never be too sure. Do I give up or do I trudge on? That is the questions.

Dr. Appointment

I am going in for a blood draw today to find out if I am pregnant. I am praying that I am, but I am also trying not to get my hopes up too high and the crash to earth could kill me. I have been analyzing every little twinge  twitch and nudge, and when I say every little thing I mean it. I want this to happen so bad, but I also remember what I felt like last time it did not happen I did not feel any better until Steve said, we would try one more time. Well this is it, but I don't want to get off the ride, I'm not ready yet. The only problem is I may not have a choice.

Snowing

It's snowing right now, not that it's going to kill me kind of snow that is flying sideways but that Charlie Brown kind of snow that just drifts down from the sky...

Long Time..

I know I was getting so good and writing once a week and look what happened. Well I did not get pregnant so after a good cry we decided to do another round of IUI. We are currently on day 10 and I go in for another ultra sound on Wednesday. All I can hope for is another great ultra sound with as many little folicals as I had last time. But hopefully we will have a little one by the end of this instead of a great disappointment. Keep me in your prayers.

Waiting...It's Killing Me!

This waiting is killing me, and the emotional mood swings are just plain nuts. During most of this cycle I have felt like this is where we are suppose to be and that I would be "ok" with anything that happened. I woke up this morning almost in a panic, I so want this to happen I cried and finally mellowed out. Now I just feel numb I have given my blood, sweat and tears for this to happen. "Literally" I have given more blood to this doctor than all of my other doctors combined. I even feel like I have given more than I have to the Red Cross (which is probably true because I have only been able to donate to the Red Cross once due to low iron levels) but still that's not the point. I keep looking everywhere for a sign that this will happen.


PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

Waiting...Waiting...Waiting...

After my ultrasound on Tuesday I had 3 mature eggs. So on Wednesday, Steve gave me my shot. Friday they did the insemination  Steve's numbers are great even with all of the stress we have been under with my Mother in Law passing away. Now we wait until Friday for my blood work. So now we wait, but I am not nervous I am anxiously awaiting my tests. I just can't wait. I do feel like everything is falling in place I feel like this is what God wants for us. I feel like he did not want us to have to take care of Joyce and a child, maybe he was waiting for her to join Vern to give us a child. I feel so good, so like this is where we are supposed to be.

2nd Ultra Sound!

Just got back from my 2^nd ultra sound, we will be taking our shot tonight and doing the IUI on Friday at 10:00 am. Keep us in your prayers.

I was at the library last night with my knitting sisters group and when I told them what we were doing today, they asked if it would be alright if we prayed about it. I was so moved that they wanted to do this for me. I have a very good feeling about this whole cycle, with everything starting with the date of dad’s death, the prayers with the knitting group, I feel so positive, I feel like I have dad up there working for me and my friends and family down here working for me as well, It will be a good cycle, and to think that it could all start on Steve's Birthday!

Thanks and have a great day!

A Weekend of Sewing...

Look it's Lilly, helping us make her diappers.

 Soakers!

 Look I can't wait until I am big enough to wear my diapers!

I spent last weekend with my sister sewing diapers for my niece, they are so cute. I hope my sister enjoyed the day as much as I did. To spend time with my sister was so much fun, I hope we are able to do this again.

Package

I just recieved my box of drugs today for our IUI. I am so excited I just can't wait to start. I hope that everything goes and it should.

Excited and Scared!

On Monday I went in for an ultra sound to see if we would be able to start our first cycle of IUI. Well my ovaries looked good they could see where the old cyst was but otherwise they look great. My lining was a little thick but they decided that we would be able to start our first cycle this month. So I am currently taking Letrozole which is like Clomid. Letrozole does not thin out your lining like Clomid does and you have less of a chance of multiples with Letrozole. We will then go in for a mid cycle ultrasound around January 30. Depending on what my follicles look like, will determine if we will administer the HCG shot or if we will have to wait. After we administer the HCG shot we will do the insemination some time in the next 36 hours. I will then have to take a progesterone suppository until I either get my period or we get a positive pregnancy test. The doctor did not say how long I would need to stay on the suppository, but from what I have read some people think it helps prevent miscarriage, but there are no studies that support this. I am so excited and scared! I am excited that we are finally starting the process that could help us increase our family, I am scared that this may be the last chance. So wish us luck and keep us in your prayers.

My New Phone

Oh, I have the best hubby in the world. We both needed new phones, so we went to Best Buy. He asked me what I wanted, I told him the only thing I cared about was having my music on my phone. So he picked out the iphone 5. I'ts so cool, I have my calendar on it, facebook, e-mail and a whole lot of other things. I have yet to load my music on yet but I will get to it!