Ovulation

I am just not real sure about everything right now. I just keep thinking that I missed my ovulation. I just don't feel like this is going to be the month. I am trying to stay positive but it is very hard. I just want to try and have a child I feel like it's never going to happen. What should I do I feel so unsure about everything. I have feelings of loss lately I went to my godchild's first birthday yesterday, I feel like I should be happy but I'm not I feel like crying I feel like the whole world is rushing by. I still feel like I should be pregnant I feel like this should be the happiest time of my life but all I can think about is the little one that is gone.

Weekend Away

I just recently spent a weekend with my mother's family. We had a great time, doing crafts, talking and snowmobiling. I just wish we had more time. More time for loving, laughing and creating. All I did was help my niece with her sewing project. I brought my bonnet to work on but instead of me working on it my mom did. It is almost done. I also ovulated this weekend I am hoping that we are pregnant. All I can do is pray and hope, hope and pray. I feel so impatient all I have wanted is a child and I feel like all I can ever do is fail. I don't feel like a women. I feel like a freak who can't do something as normal as have a child.

Don't every get old....

Yesterday morning I was grumbling about my husband. He did not put his bowling shirt with his bag, did not make sure all balls were with bag and etc. Kept on grumbling and grumbling as I put his bag in the car. Continued with the grumbles about being forgetful, as I took his bag into my office. Well on my way out of the office last night my loving husband calls and says he we will see me when I get home. I said what about bowling, he says, I told you I was not bowling tonight, because I have a meeting. Don't ever get old, instead of him forgetting I forgot. What a hoot.

Bags, Bags, Bags.

I feel as I have been working nonstop in my studio (aka the sewing room but I think I will use the word studio I think it has a nice ring to it.) We have completed many bags and have more cut out. We are planning on selling them at Fish Day in Port Washington. Only six months to go…...

My Bracelet

In August after the miscarriage, two of my friends gave me a beautiful Artemis Fertility gemstone bracelet from Remembering Our Babies. I wore it every day until it broke. I have been wanting to get it fixed and have finally found the business card that came with it. I sent the owner a email and hope to hear from her soon. I really miss wearing it, I feel it was a piece of my little one that I could carry around with me. I really hope that I get good news from the company. If I can't get if fixed I think I am going to try and restring the beads that I have left. Maybe I can get my little sister to do it.

A New Year, to hopefully bring joy and healing....

Joy and Healing are my new words for 2011. I want to have a year of Joy and Healing. I want to create, love and live. Find myself, and do the things that make me happy.

I have not been on much since last May. We have been trying to conceive for about 10 years. That is a long time. I had been going to a doctor that would say oh lets try this and let’s try this, but he never did any test or anything else.

Well it took me a very long time to come to the conclusion that I needed a new doctor, its hard enough going to one doctor as it is. You tell them every little thing that goes on with your body. When your period is how heavy etc. Most people don’t even tell their spouses about things like that. Well most people take having children for granted, that is not a luxury that I can afford. I switched doctors in the summer of 2009. This doctor is the best, she has done tests and given me information that I could actually do research on. I have learned a lot about my body and what I can expect when I do certain things (take certain medicine etc).

Well we conceived in June of 2010 and lost the baby in August of 2010, these last five months have been the hardest months that I have had to face. My youngest sister and her 1 year old son also lived with us until about October. There were days when I would ask God why she and not I, why did you choose to place this burden upon me. I would go over and over in my mind what did I do wrong, did I do something to cause the miscarriage, what wrong with me why can’t having a child like my sisters be something easy. I would also feel like ranting and raving and waving my hands in the air like a complete idiot, but that is not something that would have done any good. So I cried myself to sleep many, many nights. I still have problems don't get me wrong I still cry for the little one that did not have a chance to live, I still dream of what might have been and I still think of the child every day and I am not sure that I will ever stop or that I ever want to.

It has taken a very long time for me to come to the conclusion that it was not my fault at all, it was only after the miscarriage and the doctor wanted to do some tests to see what the inside of my uterus looked like did I find out that I had more polyps near the top of my uterus. I had surgery the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and then hosted 2 parties at my house that week as well as have my niece Marissa stayed with us. About 4 weeks after the surgery I had a post op appointment with my doctor; she said that they removed the polyp and it was not cancerous. “Not something that I was really worried about but good to know” and that it was probably the polyp that caused the miscarriage. I did have a polyp on my cervix removed just after I found out I was pregnant and the doctor believes that was a factor as well. Well now they polyp is gone and I was told we could start trying again. You don't know how long I had been wanting to her to say those words. I think the hardest thing after the miscarriage was the waiting. Waiting for a normal period to start, waiting for x-ray results, waiting for my surgery date. If felt like all I did for six months was wait. All the while it seemed that every women that I passed on the street was pregnant or had a small child.

Trying to conceive; What does that involve? Well I have been taking a pill for my insulin resistance as well as vitamins and I had to take a pill to start my period up. Now that it has started I can begin my next round of colmid. I am starting it tonight. I will then do ovulation tests and then the fun begins. Please keep me in your prayers. Hopefully this will bring a new year with joy and healing and (crossing my fingers) a child to call our own.

Well it has been a stressful couple of months. Shiann is doing well and we hope that she continues to make progress. She has just started to go to the bathroom in the yard. When I am at home she always wants to be with me it is a wonderful feeling.

Living Room Remodel

Well we have taken down the wall and put some paint up, but would you know it we have a small leak in the roof and will have to fix it this spring. In the mean time we have a bucket in the rafters in one of the small closets off the bathroom. What else will go wrong?

We Have Been Approved

We have just been approved to adopt a puppy from Tailwaggers 911 in Saukville. Her name is Shian and we get to pick her up on Sunday on our way home from our godchild's baptism. She is a mixed breed and they think she is part Golden Retriever. The way it works is we foster her for five days and they the people from Tailwaggers come by and do a home inspection and if we pass we then if everyone thinks its a good fit we get to keep her. If not they will take Shian back to her foster parents place and we will keep looking. She seem like a sweet dog and I can't wait until Sunday. They all so supply the crate, leash and collar, so that we don't have to go out and buy all this stuff if it does not work our. Check out Taillwaggers 911 if you are in the market for a dog.

Happiness

I am not sure if it was the e-mail from my pregnant cousin that has put me in such a mood or the party I attended last night, but I feel so much better. I still have a cold coming on, which I am self medicating myself for, but I feel so much better mentally. I do not feel as stressed out as I have since before Christmas. So today is a great day…for a Monday.

Week 33

Q33 - What are you crossing your fingers for?

Week 32

Q32 - Why did I do that?

Week 31

Q31 - What 3 words would someone use to describ me?

The Living Room

Well we removed the wall between the sunroom and the living room and everything is starting to take shape.

The above picture is of my pregnant sister Sarah pulling out staples in the hardwood floors. We removed the carpet and low and behold there were beautiful hardwood floors underneath. We are planning on having them refinished sometime after my sister's baby is born. We found some interesting wall paper underneath the paneling on the wall. We have decided that because the wall paper is so horrid we are going to just leave the paneling on the wall and paint it with a lovely butter color. All the trim will be a coffee brown.

We have recently had the support beams covered and new outlets and light fixture rewired. We are waiting on the drywaller’s to finish the ceiling so we can prime and paint the walls. We will then sand the trim and then wait for my sister’s friend to do the floors. After the floors are done we will paint the trim. Then we will start on a new room. Be with us next time for standing room only or rock n’ roll.

Week 30

Who do you need to thank?

This list goes on and on, first if would be God for all the good things in my life. Next would be my husband for the unconditional love he gives me (Even though I am really weird sometimes). I am thankful for, my sister, for her interesting outlook on life and my friends for the fun that we always have together.

The Garden

Well I tried to have a vegetable garden at the house but due to extenuating circumstances, the weather has confounded me at every opportunity. I have joined a Community garden with a friend and my sister who lives with me. We have put in a lot of vegetables. I was hoping to put in more cucumbers but mother nature has stopped that with all of the rain. So I will have to be happy with the one's I have.

Week 29

Q29 – Do you have a recurring dream?

When I was younger I use to have this dream about going away to a summer camp that had all these cool toys. They had go-carts, speed boats and helicopters that were sized for little kids. It was always a blast there and I was always there with my sister Heather.

Week 28

Q28 – What are your favorite days of summer filled with?

My favorite days of summer would be filled with a never ending stream of Saturday’s and Sunday’s. I would paint and write, laugh and cry. I would garden and go to the beach down in Florida with my sister and collect shells.

Week 27

Q27 – What have you found lately?

Peace. I have found peace after my father-in-law’s funeral. The pain and suffering that he went thru in his last days made the whole family suffer with him. I have found Peace knowing that he is in God’s arms.

Week 26

Q26 –On my walls I would write…

Do it today, tomorrow it will be illegal.