Torn

I am torn, do I feel happy for my niece or do I continue to feel downtrodden and sad. Sometimes I feel like if I even try to be happy something is going to happen to push me back down, but I am normally a very happy person, so this up and down is driving me mad! I don't want to feel downtrodden and low but I hate, hate, hate this up and down feeling. I want to be happy, it is my natural state, Corin says that I am the sun and that I need to nurture and when other people are pregnant I feel this need the most. I want to stay in the sun and help not feel like I am down in the mud under a rock. I want to shine and be happy.

Steve and I had a really long talk last night, we did not talk about the IUI but we did talk about the baby and the miscarriage. He never really seamed like he wanted to talk about if after the first couple of days after we lost the baby. But, last night I told him I had seen Ally's post on facebook and he said he thought that was the case. He told me he has know about the pregnancy for about a month and he did not think Ally would announce it on facebook so soon. He has been struggling with a lot this last month, his mother, Ally's pregnancy, my surgery and how to tell me about Ally. I wish he would have just told me so it would not have been such a shock but I do understand how hard it can be to tell someone you love something and know that no matter how hard you try it is going to hurt that person. Steve also told me that when we were pregnant before that he was scared to death and panicky because he wanted to be able to provide for our child and give it whatever it needed and he was not sure that he would be able to do that. He said he was even thinking about getting a second job and when I told him that the doctor wanted me to go in for an ultrasound because she was concerned that it may be twins he went in to full panic mode. You never would have been able to tell, I could not even tell and I am normally very observant when it comes to Steve. I know I was in seventh heaven because I though that the time had finally come, maybe I was just too focused on myself and the pregnancy to notice. Well, next time I will be a little more observant. He said he was not sure if he was ready to be a parent, I told him, I have seen you with the nieces and nephews you love them and take great care of them, you would be a great parent. I also reminded him that when Ally was a baby he practically raised her because she was at his parents house so much and she turned out great.

I hope we decide to go thru with the IUI because if we don't it will be very hard on me to think that it is time to give up. I am a fighter and I hate to give up. I am the sun and need to shine.

Surgery

Ok, had surgery last week Tuesday and ended up staying home the rest of the week because I was so sore. I was just starting to feel optimistic and what happens my nieces gets pregnant. I am not feeling very optimistic that it will happen for me. I keep feeling that every time I start to feel like it could happen for us some just pushes me down and says it's not your turn yet.

Not Good

So the Dr. appointment on Monday did not go as well as I would have liked. It was painful and only told me that I needed to have surgery again to have polpys removed. I have so many mixed feelings about everything right now. Is this what I want? I know I want a child but why does if have to be sooo hard? With my sisters all the guy had to do was hang his pants on the bed post and "oh look hunny were preganant." I feel broken and I'm not sure I can be fixed. Last week I felt positive, this week not so much.

Real Hard

Tomorrow is going to be hard, I just know it. Luckily I don't have knitting night at the library, too many people will be gone so we canceled it. I do have to work tomorrow, I know I should have taken the day off but I simply forgot how close the day was. I knew it was coming real soon but I kept thinking oh I have time and now look it's tomorrow. Some people might think, she's wants to take the day off for that! It's not that I want to its more like I need to. I need to be able to morn in my own way, I do have that Dr. appointment today and I am praying that it will be good news so I can stay positive. That is something that I really need right now. I do feel better about the whole thing, I don't cry about it as much, but there are days I have to use my little feel better routine way more than I want to.

My friend Corin sat down with me at the last Civil War event and said that I had been hovering around his tent. I did admit that I was, but at the time it took me awhile to admit that. We were talking about my sister who is currently with a loser who is in rehab and who stole from my mother and for me that is unforgivable. Corin told me that some time this year or it may have happened already my sister will be pregnant with loser boy's kid. Now let me tell you this was not what I wanted to hear. I told him, half hearted and all earnest, what would it cost for you to say that about me? (background info, Corin has predicted the conception of the last two of my sisters kids.) He asked me what I wished for. I told him I wanted a child. He then asked me what I would be willing to pay for a child. I was not really sure what he was referring to so he then told me to go and speak with Jill and ask her what he had done for her. (I won't go into that conversation since that is Jill's story and not mine to tell) But it was amazing is all I can say. I went back to Corin and we talked he asked about the problems I have had with my sisters pregnancy's. I told him of the black hole with no sound, that I felt in my heart. We worked out some of that problem with an exercise that helped me to change that black hole into a giggling baby laugh that looks like a pink rose. I rub my pointer finger and thumb together anytime I feel the need and think of the giggling baby laugh that looks like a pink rose, and I feel better. It may not help me get pregnant but it makes me laugh and feel better about everything. I don't feel so lost when I think about it. I feel like there may be chance that I could happen for us.

So, I know tomorrow will be hard, but I have my laughing pink rose to keep my spirits up.

Dr. Appointment

I have another Dr. Appointment today at 3:45 pm. Wish me luck, and I hope the cyst is gone.

Disapoinment!

Well, yesterday's Dr. appointment did not go as well as I would have liked. The blood draw for my hormone tests went well, but the ultra sound not so much. The Dr. found a cyst on my right ovary. So that means we can not do the Clomid test this month. The Dr. wants me to wait a month for the cyst to go away and then next month we will do another ultra sound to check out my ovaries, if there are no cysts we will draw more blood to redo the hormone tests and continue on with the Clomid Test and the sonogram with the saline injection. The hard part of all of this is the waiting, I am so impatient.

Regarding the Cyst, there is nothing that the Dr. can give me to make it go away, it has to go away on its own. The Cyst is considered a functioning cyst, meaning that it was probably an unreleased egg follicle that did not break down after my last cycle. So I wonder if this is what happens to me when I am not on Clomid?  Does my body create the egg and just not let it go, therefor no ovulation resulting in lack of pregnancy? I think I will have to ask the Dr. that when I call in for my next dose of prevera. What if that is all that is really wrong, my body not wanting to let go. Does this mean that my ovaries have a phobia, Atychiphobia. Great my ovaries need a shrink, they are afraid of failure. I hate to break it to you my little ovary, but in not letting go of that little egg you are failing, so woman up and let go already. I will be checking up on you again next month so get with the program!

Dying, Dying, Dying

I am going to a class this Saturday at the Lake County Fair Grounds and taking a class on dying fibers. I am so excited about this I just can't wait to do this. I have dabbled in dying once or twice but that was with the comercial dye you can buy at the store. This is with Natural materials. The class will focus on Purple but I should be able to figure out how to do other colors with all of the information that the teacher is going to give us. Now to get the plants that I will need for dying. Oh and they will have a whole lot of vendor's there so maybe I will come home with some more yarn. mmmmmm. Don't worry I will take plenty of pictures.

Gardens

Well the gardens are looking real good. I recently purchased flowers for my hanging baskets and I just love them they are a bright pink and I chose some sweet potato vines in a light green for a little something extra.

I have 3 baby tomato's.

Beets, Onions, Lettus, Carrots, 2 Row of Beans

I just love gardening, it may not look like a lot but it makes me happy!

 Can't forget the potatoes!

I know ANOTHER DR. APPOINTMENT!

The Dr. Appointment went well and now I have two more scheduled. One is tomorrow and the next one is next Friday. The first one will be hormone tests and an base line ultra sound. The second one will be another ultra sound and a sonograph where they fill my uterus with saline. I know TMI but it has to be done and if all goes well and there are no polyps I will start the clomid challenge next week. Wish me luck as I wait cautiously optimistic.

Dr. Appointment

Well after pulling myself up by my nonexistent boot straps I mustered up the courage to call and make an appointment for a Reproductive Endocrinologist to help us get pregnant. I had been dragging my feet on this because, what if what they suggest is something out of our price range and this will be the end. I was afraid to risk the end of my dream. I was afraid to get off of the ride. But, I read this article and it helped a lot. http://www.rootsofshe.com/risk-nothing-risk-it-all/ . Sarah being pregnant "again" helped me as well. I cried myself to sleep a few nights and then made the appointment. Steve and I will be seeing the Doctor on Wednesday. Keep us in your prayers because this is going to be the last ditch effort and the last thing that we will be trying. FINGERS CROSSED THAT THIS WORKS!!!!

Where is the Funny Farm?

Where is the Funny Farm I have looked it up and the Funny farm can refer to:


• Funny farm, a pejorative slang term for a psychiatric hospital

• By extension, pejorative slang for many workplaces which are perceived to be dysfunctional

I have yet to find a Psychiatric hospital that is named the funny farm. I there for can not pay my sister her just rewards for her suggestion. Unless she works for a comedy club I have no idea where the Funny Farm is.

I have many bills which have been accumulated in the production of my at home do it yourself shock treatment. (No takers yet). So if she should get a check for 20% of the profits, shouldn’t she also get 80% of the Bills? I am not the best at Math, but I like the numbers and they look good to me. “I can be a bit dyslexic” aren’t we all.

Hey there is something that needs an invention, no not an invention a TV commercial! Dyslexic people need your help more then ever. Thousands and thousands of Americans are Dyslexic only your donations can help so please be generous. Just think thousands of dyslexic Americans and only you can help make a difference in a Dyslexic person’s life just think no longer being hungry, dirty, need new cars or letters switched around. There lives will be much better but only you can help. Send your pledges to 1-800-Dys-lexi ext: a .
Stay tuned for a new plot to thincken in our next exciting episode of four for the show or two pairs of plants.

2nd, First Sock Is Now Complete

So I finished my 2nd pair of my 1st sock pattern that I have ever tried. They look so much better than the first pair.

http://www.ravelry.com/projects/sunflowergirls/stock-socks

So now that, that is finished I have started a new pair. Here they are:

Ya, I know its not much to look at but when it is done it will look great. Hey, don't get on my case, This is only 3 rows and they are really tiny needles. {sigh}

Over the weekend we had the greatest time for Mother's Day. We took my Mom and Antie Barb out for our annual Mother's day tea at Watt's Tea Room in downtown Milwaukee. If you are looking for a great place to have tea in Milwaukee, Watt's is the place.

It started with picking out our tea, for our first course it was a sampling of four kinds of finger sandwiches and some fruit. For dessert we had a fudge brownie, sunshine cake, and a hot scone. It was so wonderful. We will be doing it again next year.

Self Medication vs Shock Treatment

My sister, after reading my latest and greatest article, wrote that instead of self-medication I should consider Shock Treatment. Well after careful consideration I have come to the conclusion that perhaps she is correct and that I do need shock treatment.

Well after I did some research and found out the price of Shock Treatment I have begun to consider an alternative coarse of action. I am now looking into ways to build my own Home Shock Treatment Kit.

So here it is from the company that brought you the George Forman Grill and the Epilady well here you have it now "The do it your-self happy kit". What it really is is one of those home hair removal machines hooked up to a car battery. Of course this is still in its testing stages but it could be yours for the one time low, low, price of 29 payments of $199.99. Order now and you will receive a second kit free, you only pay the shipping and handling. Call now at 1-800-SHOCK-IT.

A Simpler Time

Do you recall a simpler time when cartoons were just some cat and mouse chasing each other around endlessly. Or the Moose and Squirrel that always were trapped someway and you would get this line like: Bullwinkle: Well this is a pickle...actually its more of a kumquat. What is this world coming to.

1st Pair of Socks, Part II

Well I have started on my 2nd, 1st pair of socks. This is 2 days worth of work.

I think I love the self stripping yarn the best, you don't have to worry about a fancy pattern. This pair is turning out a lot smaller than the first. But we will see.

1st Pair

Hey I finished my first pair of socks. Check it out!

http://www.ravelry.com/projects/sunflowergirls/stock-socks

Warning

Warning: (You must understand that to think about things like this and understand by understand them I mean you must be a little touched in the head to understand them.)




Here is what you have all been waiting for, with as my sisters so eloquently put it, with baited breath. In our last breath taking edition our editor gave you her thoughts on Urinal Cakes, lets see what her warped mind has come up with this time, in the compelling saga of a Girl and her toes.



When last we left our heroin she was contemplating the warning labels on Urinal Cakes. As I sit on my chair I look at my toes and I think why do people paint their toenails. Don't get me wrong I like having my toenails painted. But why do we do it? There is no reason to do it. It does not help you lose weight, breath or help your heart to beat. So why do we do it? Is it an unnatural obsession with paint? What is this insatiable urge that we have to color our nails. The world may never know.



Stay tuned for our next compelling adventure: Moose and Squirrel the real story

82 Ya Right

I thought that I could keep up the great work when it came to finishing projects for Christmas. Ya Right. I have only completed one bag since the begining of April. I did start a pair of socks and a tea cozy. I am hoping to get the socks done real soon.

I messed up on the almost complete one. I did not make the heel flap long enough. I might just leave it or I might (gulp) rip it out.

I am planning on picking up the yarn for my sisters Christmas gift today. Can't wait to go shopping.

Love ya all. smooches

Next New Project

Well we finally have had our new sliding glass doors installed it has only taken 6 months. I am so happy, they close so nice. I did have a scare though, I was removing the factory stickers and I thought that the glass was cracked, but it was only a little bit of glue. I was so relieved when I found that it was only glue. Ok next step curtians for windows after body double is done and Easter. The list just goes on and on and on and on.

Spring has Sprung

My garden is looking better and better everyday. I am in constant fear that we will get a cold snap that will kill all of my plants and it looks like my fear will come true tonight. We are suppose to get a hard freeze tonight. I am having a hard time with this. At least my apple trees have not started budding and hopefully it won't hurt them. I plan on covering all of the herbs and flowers that I am worried about. I knew it was too good to be true. I think we need some kind of action plan, like what we had in school. You know stop drop and roll. What could ours be hmmm. Duck cover and pray.... Have a Happy Easter everyone and a pleasant Passover to all of my Jewish friends.